Jan. 5th, 2008

dianadragonfly: (Default)
Dear Bill:

I was looking through pictures all this month, trying to get the family calendar together. Damn, you took lots of pictures. That's the first thing we had in common, photography, and I always liked how you'd be up for an adventure, ready to capture it all on your 35 mm.

It was nice. You and mom did things she'd never do -- go look at historic sites in the state, go see the bridges of Madison County, go to Georgia. I have piles and piles of pictures of you two standing by a building or a sign or even a car, smiling.

Mom was crying the other day, asking me, "Have I wasted 12 years of my life?" And I look at the pictures and I can say no. You and she had so much fun together. You were so good together.

I'm trying to figure out when it got nasty, when you stopped laughing and enjoying yourself. When all of sudden, we tiptoed around you instead of having fun with you. I missed you like hell this Christmas, but it was also a little bit nice, in a horrible way. Crystal, Tim, and the baby were there. We got to relax and enjoy the baby and not worry that you would say or do something to hurt their feelings. Mom had control over her own house, her own life again.

That's what all this was about in the first place. Not Janet, not anything else. Mom just needed someone to be nice to her, to not be hateful and mean if she wanted to get the lawn mowed or if Janet's boyfriend brought his dog over. She wanted to be able to at least be a partner on what went on in her own house. She didn't want total control, but to not have to fight if she thought a horse needed to go the vet. Or if she wanted to do something you didn't.

All I have ever wanted was for you to treat us with respect. And I tried, for so long, to not believe any of it, to actually feel bad when Janet came to your house pick up the things she'd bought and was not able to get back because she had been letting you use them. I felt terrible for you. I kept telling her "leave this. leave that. Do you need this?" And then you talked to me the way you talked to me, with your hand in the air, like you were going to hit. I realize I've been lucky -- no man in my life has ever raised a fist to me. And you were the first. All over a washer and dryer.

And then you took things that you knew didn't belong to you from my mom because you were mad and thought you could.

It's not the washer and dryer. It's not the extension cords (although it was kind of funny that you took all of mom's and then had none to start your tractor). It's not the cows. It simply being at peace, not worried that you will go out of your way to hurt my mom's or my sister's feelings. That's why you can't farm the land. We don't want you hanging around the house, being mean and nasty and hurting everyone more. If you could have been a grown-up, you could have rented the land. But as of now, letting you stay there would be giving you a free pass to come over and hurt us.

We lock doors now. When we hear you, we're tense. I wonder how it got that way, how things have changed so much. I remember sitting up all night in the I.C.U., terrified that I'd lose you. When Mom said she was getting a divorce, I remember being so sick about it. I miss you. I love you. But, I've come to understand Mom had no choice.

When I didn't want Mom to get divorced, I thought it was because I didn't want to lose you. But I think you've made the decision to be lost. Yet, you've done it in a such a way that you can blame it on Mom.

I don't know if I'll mail this. When I see you now, I will be scared of you, the way Janet is, the way Mom is. I never in my life expected that from the guy who played guitar and made jokes and loved going places with my Mom. I don't understand what happened, but I miss that guy. I know my mom does too.

Anyway, I don't know how to sign this
I'll leave it here because there isn't anything more to say.

Okay

Jan. 5th, 2008 10:20 pm
dianadragonfly: (Default)
That felt good....

see below post

I just need some closure. But there isn't any to be had.

He will die of a heart attack -- soon, if he keeps this up. And that will be it. And he'll never understand why I no longer trust him, why mom divorced him.

Damn...

*deep breath*

OKAY, new subject!

I am eagerly awaiting my XO. Anyone else get one?

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