Feb. 5th, 2008

Garth lies

Feb. 5th, 2008 09:17 pm
dianadragonfly: (Default)
And now, I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
My life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Dude...
If I had known... I'd fucking have stayed clear of the dance. I'd have a chemical spill outside the high school gymnasium, canceled prom, called for ban, a la Footloose, waged a shock and awe campaign.

I have been feeling restless, knowing that Feb is coming up, noting it with passing interest. Oh... it's superbowl. I didn't even notice this year that it's the superbowl, the day my dad went into the hospital. Isn't that funny?

Today is my parent's anniversary, the day that for all purposes, my dad died, even though that wouldn't happen for 6 days later.
All day I was fine.

Then tonight -- I put in some mix CDs from the good ol days of music downloading. Hubby was working late, like he used to do all the time. I listened to my CDs. I'd hidden the Dance in there.

His funeral song.

I really just let it come, you know, let it hit me. And I mentally blogged letting it hit me -- I'm really good at protecting myself like that.

I don't want to call home. My mom and little sister are miserable this time of year and I think it's because they think they should be.

Hubby's home. A tornado. I know he's tired and frustrated, but I feel resentful that he's cutting into my grief. You know, the private grief I mentally blog as I experience it.....

I'm a fucked up human being.
Who misses her Daddy.

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