dianadragonfly: (Default)
My "boss", the mom of the boy I work for and probably my best friend, drank a whole 5th of Jack Daniels tonight.

I stayed late -- both because she was fun and also because I was worried about her. I mean, her ex called right out of the blue. That would freak anyone out, but, well.... she does this probably once a week.

There is no doubt that she is an AMAZING mom and is never drinking while her kids are awake and need her.

But I am afraid that she is becoming an alcoholic.

Again, I find myself wanting to intervene, wanting to rescue, wanting to save.

It's not my job.

My job, and what I'm good at, is to love. That sounds corny, but I think of the people I've known who I want to save. [livejournal.com profile] paperflowers, I adore you but that picture of you on the Golden Gate Bridge scares the fuck out of me. The moments I'm most uncomfortable is when I think I should be in "help" mode, but instead, I want to be in "friend" mode. Instead of talking about how scary that picture is, I want to hush that side of my brain up and decide that I want to be there shooting the pictures of you and laughing at the counseling sign and the look on the biker's face. That's exactly what I love about being around you, how you can make that part of my brain shut up and instead I can appreciate BEING there -- even if it's totally completely fucked up, like posing for bridge jumping.

Is it wrong to slightly enjoy these nights that my friend drinks? It's companionship, even though she's drunk. Maybe I like it because she needs me -- I don't know. But really, doing AB Blaster workout tapes while she drinks whiskey is FUN. I love her crazy spirit and I love having a night of hanging out. It might be the only time we get together because, well, I watch her kids, right? So if she has time off of being a mommy, it's because I'm there with her kids. So we don't get to go out together at all.

I worry that by loving, by enjoying the ride that the wonderful, crazy, fucked-up, awesome people in my life take me on, that I'm somehow complicit in something bad. That by not saying "no -- don't drink" or "no, don't do X Y or Z that is bad for you" that it's somehow the same as saying "I don't value your life enough to be concerned."

When it comes down to it, I feel like I HAVE to judge. Which surprises me because I never thought of myself as judgmental. Really, do I expect the people I love to say, "Well, if that's how you feel, I won't do _______. I had no idea it was bad for me."? Nope. I will just alienate.

And really, when it comes down to it, what the hell do I know about any of it anyway?

God, I'm tired.
Tomorrow a.m. will be hectic. I have to go back there in 6 hours. And I'm tired as hell.

God I hope I haven't given her this URL. I don't think I have.
dianadragonfly: (Default)
Well-- everyone else is doing it, so why can't I?
Live Journal Quotes -- my year in review
January-July right now )
dianadragonfly: (Tri-Ryche from www.minclot.com)
Listening to Gypsy.

Erin, baby, where ARE you? I'm thinking of you living in your Kia and my heart breaks.
Come to Arkansas. Really. I'll pay your way.
or
Go live in Denise's garage.
or
Give me an address where I can send some help.

Hell.... Just let me know you're alive, k?

Miss you.

Les

wow

Nov. 18th, 2005 03:34 pm
dianadragonfly: (Default)
So, I hear a fellow T.A.s dad has died.
Suddenly, I expect. If it wasn't sudden, it wasn't long and lingering either.
I can't believe how much grief I have for her -- I KNOW what she is up against and it makes me hurt for her.
There's a message from her on my machine asking if I will take care of her cat over Thanksgiving.

I call her back.
Answering machine.

I act like I haven't heard anything -- chipper and tell her to take care and of course I'll take care of her kitty.

At this point, sympathy or if she even suspects sympathy, would be awful. I imagine she's trying to maintain and get shit together so she can get out of town. I've been there, accidentally or because I was sought out, for many people's surreal moments when the rug gets pulled out from under their lives. I remember mine. I remember running into a classmate the day after her cousin shot himself. I told her I was sorry. That was it -- that was what made her start crying when she was miserable and just wanted to be anonymous in Walmart. I remember former neighbors asking about my dad the morning after he died and how I had no words for them -- no way to even answer.

When Susie's mom died and her aunt and uncle met her at the dorms, I helped pack her suitcase while the rest of our friends just stared in horror. They wanted to cry and hug her, but she was so calm.

When my dad died, I started the coffeemaker. Then went downstairs and threw up.

I guess my point is that there's a lot of hurt to had and soon. Me telling her I'm sorry at this point is one more stab at the numbness that is going to enable her to function for a few more days. That numbness enables bags to be packed, coffee to be made, cats to be fed. If I told her how sorry I am, that would fill my need more than hers.

I am amazingly sorry and there will be time to tell her that. But not on this phone call.

Is this a cop out?

girlfriends

Oct. 9th, 2005 10:27 pm
dianadragonfly: (Default)
You know what I need?
Besides a swift kick in the ass?

girlfriends.

Why do other girls seem to be on a different planet than I am?

I guess that's not true.  I have some kickass friends. But they're not in this town.  Not here when I need someone to shop for embarassing bridal restraint devices with me (ever tried to hook one of those suckers up by yourself in the dressing room?)  I didn't want to call in the 16 year old folding the panties at the Penny's counter because I was afraid of her sneering at my unshaven arm pits.  Also, dude, I'm in there nekkid.  You gotta KNOW me to see my tits like that. 

I'm at Party warehouse and I don't know if I should buy the orange napkins to tie in with the fall colors, or if they're too gawdy and if I should stick my original marti gras pruple and green.  What about the plates? 

I can remember, years ago, when I was a bridesmaid at a wedding.  Monica was one of the first of my "friends" to get married.  I was to help with the shower (she told me I was the maid of honor so I paid for it and it turned out that I was a bridesmaid.  I put "friends" in quotes because that was high school, where firendships and alliances also meant abuse.  I look back and see how my "friends" treated each other then and I'm glad I don't have any.  Anyway...).

I was helping with this damn shower.  I bought red plastic cups.  My mom was very sympathetic and took them back for the clear plastic cups.  I didn't know the difference.  It was something I did wrong...  the shower was awful...  all these unhappily married women playing a game that I couldn't read the rules to...  the wedding...  *bleh*

I'm sure I think mine is different because it's mine, but man...  I hate this feeling.  I need a girl guide.  Not a girlie girl, because we need to have something in common, but someone who has deep scorn for the bridal restraint device, but not so deep that I'll feel any more conflicted about wearing it. 

I need my sister.
I miss her.  I bitched and complained about her being selfish, but she's not.  I'm trying not to let on how much I absolutely miss her.  It's like...  I don't know what it's like.  I just miss her, that's all.  Not just when I need someone to help me with the hooks on my bridal restraint device.  I just want someone to shoot the shit with.

*sigh*

oh yeah.

Jul. 5th, 2005 12:30 am
dianadragonfly: (Default)
So fan girled that I didn't mention just how flattered I was by my friends in Nor California.
I got a card.
I got presents (and some weren't even penis shaped). I was the center of attention. And I enjoyed it. When I think of my wedding, I usually want to pass out because everyone will be looking at me. But I was havin so much fun "performing Uzumeness" -- this sort of outgoing outragous alter ego -- that I think I could pull off a wedding.

I'm just humbled by all of it.
Wow.

Queensryche

Jul. 5th, 2005 12:12 am
dianadragonfly: (Default)
Been neglecting this journal.
Been neglecting everything.
Preshow )
THE SHOW )
Meet and greet and swoon )

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