dianadragonfly: (Default)
You know that commercial where the dad is giving pointers to his daughter and the camera first shows a preschooler and the. A teenager? I love that. I'm at the park with my kids and I never just see them for who they are at the moment. That's probably a weakness but I look and I see them on this same play equipment as babies and as toddlers. Their imagined future also hangs around them.
Parenting is weird. Just crazy ass weird. It's ridiculous to be so wrapped up in the lives of such little people, to obsess over their eating and bowel habits. They are just two people in a world of seven billion. Perspective. But good god. They have become the most important things that I ever will do with my life. I understand now how focus shifts -- I don't want to be successful but raise successful kids, whatever that means. This is everything I was terrified of. And I don't find it terrifying at alll....
dianadragonfly: (Default)
But...uh... how do I do an lj-cut? I've forgotten and I posted a seriously huge block of text on my last entry.
dianadragonfly: (rainbowdragonfly)
One of the secrets to avoiding the crazy night time crash is to stay busy.  Am not sure if that will work because aimless activity at bedtime is a bad habit of mine.  As I get more and more fatigued, I'm not going to be able to, oh,make bread pudding at 9 pm, but I will keep trying to focus.  

Posted via LJ for WebOS.


May. 31st, 2008 11:09 pm
dianadragonfly: (Default)
ugh. I forget the name of it, but it's a term that I learned while reading about borderline personality disorder. *elbows one of her friends on here* It means psychological pain. It means your insides hurt. The doctor interviewed said that his patients who have had broken bones have stated the pain was nothing in comparison to the psychological pain. It's the kind of thing that make people cut themselves, drink. I watch my autistic kids bite themselves till they bleed and the skin heals over and breaks open again until the scars are permanent.

I only get that once in awhile.... but dear lord, it's just a look into the hell that people I love live with.

I had moments of that last night, but I also was on my placebo week on my birth control and hadn't taken a zoloft the night before. I do not have a job where we are moving, I got a rejection from an interview I thought I'd aced, and my beautiful grape garnet wedding ring has been lost for a week now. School is almost over so I can't occupy my brain with things to do with my kids. I have one more interview to hear back from and I'm trying to hold myself back from expecting to get it so I'm not crushed. I'm leaving the state without a degree, leaving the program without a degree. I'm even avoiding people who want to see me because I don't want to say bye to them.

In short, I'm in a funk. I'm not biting my wrist and wanting to tear at my skin but I'm back into a funk. I don't want closure, I don't want to say goodbye. I just want to go...get it over with. Just fucking LEAVE.
dianadragonfly: (Default)
just feel like it...

I packed all weekend. Can't find my wedding ring -- I think it's packed.

I didn't get one of my jobs.

Down to one... and it's one I wanted so keep your fingers crossed.
dianadragonfly: (Default)
Just moving.
To Missouri again. That sound you hear is me stabbing myself in the eye with aa fork.

Hubby has job -- an honest-to-god career job with real raise-a-family pay.

I had interviews.

We'll see what happens.
dianadragonfly: (Default)
Because it would be supafly if I could post from school.

I have figured out how to get around the blogger block by posting from

Now,facebook and I will conquer the world mwahahahah
dianadragonfly: (Default)
I had a teacher plan book.
I had a schedule.
I had scoured supply stores for things about Japan, knowing that's the first subject we cover.

I bought a few posters for my room and laminated them.

I understand. I really do,
But I'm so sad!
dianadragonfly: (Default)
Hubby got job.
I really want my job.

It's over 3hours between the two. And it's not 3 hours down the interstate. It's little, 2 lane country roads. There's nothing really between us except alot of small towns that would SUCK to live in if we wouldn't be part of the community.

I feel like I'm already going but I also resent it like HELL.

I don't know what to do....

la scoop

Apr. 29th, 2008 11:11 pm
dianadragonfly: (Default)
No crying today except for when cooking w/ onion.

Last night, I woke hubby up after my post, expecting him to be grumbly because he is super-protective of his sleep. Instead he was sweeter to me than he's been in a long long time.

There is nothing wrong. There is everything wrong. I'm in the horrible situation of knowing that what I want more than anything means that the person I love most in the world will have to give up something he wants more than anything.

I had a really cool potential job here in a new private school that is just opening. But hubby is on a job search so I agreed to leave... I am leaving Northwest Arkansas, my home for the last 6 years. For where?
Hubby applied for a job 2 hours from my hometown.
He's waiting to hear from them.
Meanwhile, he's also applied for a job in my hometown. Considering the situation with my mom and grandma and jordan,the girl I used to work with, I decided it might be time to go back to my family for a while, once I got over my pathological fear and loathing of the place.

I called my old boss about a position I saw advertised.
She offered it to me. It would rock -- it would be absolutely perfect. And after a year, I would be certified as a special ed teacher--something I can't do in Arkansas.Also, it's a new position and a chance to create something that works in a place I already know.

Signs say go. I was heartbroken at leaving, but know that if I go to my home, I will have a chance to help out a little and put things right.

But the job there is crappy for hubby compared to the two hours away job.

The special ed positions in the town hubby wants to go to are not really what I want to do and I don't get a good vibe from them. I would be a new person in an established position.

What we know:
me --job -perfect was supposed to tell them Monday if I wanted t
him - possibility but not first choice
he interviews next week
easy job -- could finish his phd

2hours from home:
him: really good job. He should find out soon (like supposed to be last week)
me: interview maybe? job not as good
better continuing ed opps though

professional connections
potential professional job net year
degree finishing
zilch in job
finish degree??

I'm stuck,knowing that good news for him is bad for me. And vice versa. And I'm not secretly hoping he will not get the job because I KNOW that will fucking crush him. I want... oh hell, I don't know what I want....

dianadragonfly: (Default)
Woke hubby up.
He was sweet. Feel better. Will post soon -- damn my school's lj block
dianadragonfly: (Default)
I can't stop crying. This is so unlike me.

I don't know what to do -- who to ask for help. It's like the people around me need MY help but not the other way around.
dianadragonfly: (Default)
So, my school blocks access to livejournal, facebook, and blogger.
If I remember, I can open my client and save a post as a draft.

I don't think I'll have a position next year. That's okay. They didn't really have a use for me this year, expect to fill in the holes in the special education class and therefore avoid getting any real help for a really amazing special ed teacher and driving her out of the field. She lasted 3 years -- about average, from what I understand.

I was told to not deal with the child who bitchslapped me, to let people who know her educational and behavioral plan do it. Great. But I'm with that class 2 or so hours a day. Isn't it my responsibilty to know her plan and know how to deal with her? I mean, I've been hit, punched, kicked, thwapped, swiped at, bit, scratched, etc before. That's part of the job.

That's the hardest part to deal with -- I'm not part of the team. I'm not important. Unless they need me. I'm not trusted to make my own decisions, not guided on making the decisions I end up having to make, not backed up when I have to make one.

So, the kiddo with ADD that I work with for 1-2 hours a day is testing, so I don't see him today.
The kids in the special ed room are either testing or absent, so they don't need me today.
The speech teacher isn't here. She left stuff for me to do but it took like an hour.
It's so hard when I see them running around stressed and upset about paperwork. Dude, I can do the paperwork for you. Trust me. But they don't. After while, it feels like their judging my competence and I know it's just they are too busy to show me. I think. But after the millionth time there's a door closed on something I feel I could contribute to, it bothers me.

It's okay. I complain when I work and I complain when I don't. But I really feel like the district sees aides like me as unimportant and having nothing to offer. We're interchangeable. Expendable. We're not even allowed to talk to parents. We aren't told behavioral plans, IEP goals, etc.

I got to get out of here. I don't know if I want to teach or be a speech path, but I can't be an aide anymore.

Good news is that I got like 5 pages done on a long-overdue poetry paper. I need to work on finishing my MFA and having at least a degree I can show.
dianadragonfly: (Default)
Today, a small adorable 8 year old with Down Syndrome bitch slapped me across the face.

Is it wrong to still absolutely adore this child? She's my favorite. And she only slapped me once whereas she beats the fire out of everyone else.

That's my girl!
dianadragonfly: (Default)
Just got done taking hubby shopping for an interview suit.
He has a job interview. Like a real job. English dept faculty job.

In a small town 2-3 hours from my hometown.

I'm so torn about this that I just want to weep.
real jobs
real pay
begin careers and lives
a few hours from my family and Jordan and paperflowers.
I could get 75% of tuition to finish my teaching or start my speech path degree
school has speech clinic with literacy lab but no AAC class
not good:
small town Missouri
miles away from Barnes and Noble and a decent doctor
red state
i mean, Arkansas is a red state, but Fayetteville is a big enough college town to hae its own funky liberal hippy culture
I have a reputation here-- I've got the beginnings of a career and it's been built on hard work and word of mouth. I lose that if I move. I interviewed for my dream job and I'd have to give it up.
the college is good, but its not a big as U of A

this feels like home

i trying not to sow how heartbroken I am about leaving if he gets the job. I don't wanna jinx him.
dianadragonfly: (Default)
Um, looking on the weather blog of our local TV station to see if I have a chance at staying home tomorrow and I see this post.

Dude... um ... I really thought that global warming was pretty much an accepted thing. This seems like bad science (tm) What bothers me is the "they are both right" attitude. Um, no? The two sides are not equal.


Okay, and on reading the blog my weatherman's blog links to, I can see it's really an anti-global warming blog. Within a month, there have two articles titled "Artic temputures aren't especially high" and "Researchers find natural cause for high artic temperatures" or something to that effect.

So, my weatherman says that there is some truth to the fact that the earth is warming AND it's cooling.

This guy says that the earth is cooling off, that the temperatures in the artic are not high, but there's a natural reason they are high. Sorry guys. You can't have it both ways. That's bad science and a party foul. You weigh the evidence and go with what is most valid.
dianadragonfly: (Default)
... and the letter D from [livejournal.com profile] starrthinks

10 D things I like

1 D. (my hubby)

2 Dungeons and Dragons -- not that I ever was a player, but it was like heavy metal or something. To know about something existing, even if I could only experience through media and not directly, just gave me so much faith that the world was way cooler than my hometown of 200 people.

3 dogs

4 Daisy, my fatass cat (and her brother Rudy)

5 dessert

6 dynamo label maker -- I love mine to an embarrassing fault (dude, I'm reaching here)

7 DeGarmo, as in Chris, as in guitar god, as in man who broke my heart when he left the band (although I love Stone now too...)

8 Delaware -- it's so tiny and cute for a state. I know, I really am reaching here

9 Datsun, my family's 1980 little silver Datsun hatchback. I have great memories of that car. Three kids, black vinyl interior, 500 miles to Arkansas every summer. Oh yeah!

10 dishwashers

Okay. Comment and you get a letter.....


Mar. 5th, 2008 10:26 pm
dianadragonfly: (Default)
What a hellish day at school... not a lot of drama, no kids in meltdowns. But I chased one kid all day. Lots of kids out of routine.

I'm not equipped for this...


Also, when I do get a break, as I'm supposed to, the school has blocked facebook, lj and blogger from its server, so I can't post. So I occaisonally will write something in my client and then forget about it. Bastards.

So I'm not posting much. I need to learn to mobile post.
Meanwhile, my more public blog is still going:

I'm trying hard to keep that one professional and this one private. But I've never been good at that, you know? Once I start writing, those lines blur.
dianadragonfly: (Default)
Blogging while watching T.V. Only clean up, editing, etc during commericals.

A&E Intervention
53 - Brooke
Monday, February 18th 09:00 pm ET
Tuesday, February 19th 01:00 am ET

Brooke, 26, was a beautiful teenager with a magnetic personality. An elite gymnast on the cheerleading squad, she looked forward to a successful and athletic life. But tragedy struck in her senior year when she was crippled by Still's disease, an early form of rheumatoid arthritis. Her doctors prescribed narcotics to ease her pain, but Brooke soon became addicted. Her heartbroken family has sought new treatments to help Brooke, but she denies she's an addict. Now her family has turned in desperation to their last hope--an intervention.
my thoughts while watching it )


dianadragonfly: (Default)

May 2017



RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 02:32 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios