pain...

May. 31st, 2008 11:09 pm
dianadragonfly: (Default)
[personal profile] dianadragonfly
ugh. I forget the name of it, but it's a term that I learned while reading about borderline personality disorder. *elbows one of her friends on here* It means psychological pain. It means your insides hurt. The doctor interviewed said that his patients who have had broken bones have stated the pain was nothing in comparison to the psychological pain. It's the kind of thing that make people cut themselves, drink. I watch my autistic kids bite themselves till they bleed and the skin heals over and breaks open again until the scars are permanent.

I only get that once in awhile.... but dear lord, it's just a look into the hell that people I love live with.

I had moments of that last night, but I also was on my placebo week on my birth control and hadn't taken a zoloft the night before. I do not have a job where we are moving, I got a rejection from an interview I thought I'd aced, and my beautiful grape garnet wedding ring has been lost for a week now. School is almost over so I can't occupy my brain with things to do with my kids. I have one more interview to hear back from and I'm trying to hold myself back from expecting to get it so I'm not crushed. I'm leaving the state without a degree, leaving the program without a degree. I'm even avoiding people who want to see me because I don't want to say bye to them.

In short, I'm in a funk. I'm not biting my wrist and wanting to tear at my skin but I'm back into a funk. I don't want closure, I don't want to say goodbye. I just want to go...get it over with. Just fucking LEAVE.

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dianadragonfly

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