Feb. 15th, 2006 03:47 pm
dianadragonfly: (Default)
Am very sad. It was the last session with my therapist before he moves to a new job and of course, it being the week it is, I had a whole bunch of dad stuff ready to babble about.

I am going to miss him. :( I know I know I know how I shouldn't get attached, but that's so fucking EASY for me. The next therapist is female, which will be weird. I'll have less attachment issues, but, well, I LIKE my attachment issues.

dianadragonfly: (Default)
When I'm not on here, I'm not thinking in text.
When I'm not thinking in text, I'm not really having any sort of inner creative life-- just reacting.

When you don't see me on here, smack me, k? Remind me that as much as I love my kids, I'm here to learn to WRITE and I need to finish my thesis. Everything, including my sweet 5 year old who starts conducitve education next week and I'm starting his communication system next week too, to my 12 year old who was throwing a tantrum so bad, his mom called me and asked if I'd take him so she could take a shower (after an hour of riding around together, I told him we were going home and giving his mom a big hug and kiss. He got out of my car and nearly broke the door down, and gave his mom a big "I'm sorry" hug) to my 20 year old who made me pizza the other day -- is secondary to my thesis this semester. I know this.

To know someone who is nonverbal is to really connect in a way that few people on this earth are able to do.
I'm blessed and to convince myself that there is something WRONG with me for liking this, or for doing this work, or that I should pull back -- I think that might cut out the best part of me and the part that gives me the most joy.

But I know that it's not healthy to sit here and plan how to rearrange my great-uncle's room in the nursing home if I could just get to visit. It's not healthy to worry about the future of two little girls in separate group homes, both hours away from me, both totally beyond my reach, even if I did love them and care about them once. I have to untangle.

When I first went to counseling, it was because I couldn't separate myself from problems in my family -- my mom and stepdad were separating and I felt the need to fix it. John helped me learn to put up boundries there. But I think I have learned to withdraw from those closest to me that have the most power and instead I attach it to kids, who have the power to break my heart, but not totally devastate me. Moving on is part of the relationship with my kids and is built into everything I do. i have to explain to my 20 year old all the time that I'm her friend, but I'm also like a teacher. My job is to make sure she's okay without me. That "out" is built into the relationship.

But other relationships? Like, say, with my husband? The only out there is divorce or death, both options so heartbreaking that I can't wrap my head around them. So I have a distance between us. Same with sisters and mom and relatives. But my kids -- I can let them break my heart over and over and know that there's always another kid that will want me, another family that needs help. I'm in demand. I'm valued. I'm appreciated. I'm not someone that can be walked away from -- it's me that usually has to walk away. I'm not gonna lie and say that's not part of it. But it's sheer joy. It really is. It's like knowing something mysterious and wonderful and you try to convince the rest of the world of this and all they see is brokenness. Today, while the 12 year old cooled off and ran around the park, mismatched clothes, waving his hands in the air, making dolphin sounds, I felt sorry for all the people who stared and had no idea what a beautiful creature he is.

And des[ite all the things I'm scared of, that I get off on the power of it, or that I enjoy being wanted, that moment in the park reminds me that there is good in what I do and need not mistrust my motives so much.

If I can pull away long enough to write my book, I can help convince the world of the beauty of this kiddo, of all of them I've come in contact with. I just have to get this done.


Dec. 29th, 2005 03:09 am
dianadragonfly: (Default)
So, update in a nutshell:
Today -- slept alot
Saw King Kong
It was great but needed to be about 45 minutes shorter. (BLASPHEMY! to criticize almighty Jackson, but I couldn't fucking take one more dinosaur attack!)
filed a claim to get my windshield fixed from the tree incident of last summer or so. Went ahead and tried to see if I could get dents fixed too. Whatthehell.
Counted the money that was in the bottle and decided to go buy a CD with it. Ooohhh.... investments. I'm getting soooooooooo old. The purpose of the CD is to mostly keep a certain amount of money out our hands since we can't be trusted with it. We need to pay off debts with that $$ but what the hell. We're going for 6 month CDs so if we really need it, it can be gotten to with enough of a penalty that I won't be tempted to get a hold of it every few seconds. So the breaking of the bottle might have ended up being a good thing.... maybe.....

I have pics of the bottle for those willing to help me track it down.

The kiddo with autism that I work with is going to be starting a gum ball business.

Christmas went well. No breakdowns or anything else. My feet are in bad shape and so is my stomach. I kept having to hide my limp from my mom, who worries about those things, but didn't notice, and my step dad, who did notice ("you're walking like a duck, girl.") My rheumatologist feels that celebrex is safer than methotrexate and I have a sinking feeling that I've paid for that with damage to my feet and a reccurance of my ulcer.

So, yeah... trying to simplify for next year and don't know how. Got a million projects to do and don't know how. Gotta sit down and list everything I want to do and decide which ones to give up and which ones I can logically work on.

I think of my little sister, who goes to the bar every night out of boredom and had a fling with the bartender. (who got back with his wife and now my sister is depressed AND has no place to go). She needs something to keep her busy. And I think how awful that must be to have nothing going on inside your head that you want to do.

Then I think of what I want to do:
get a video done for my mom
get the family calendar done
get the PECS paperwork put together for a kid at work
get the kid with autism's gum ball business stuff together
learn to sew so I can do weighted blankets

It must be awful to have such little sense of self that everything I want to do is for other people.

My counselor really challenged me on this. When I go into a store, I can't look at things for me. It's always for work or Christmas, or birthdays.

He really works with me on this -- what do I want to do? Aside from enjoying music, is there anything I do that isn't work related, or related to helping others?

I did point out that I'm lucky enough that my loves (reading, writing, working with people, etc.) ARE my jobs, so it's not as if I don't have anything I love to do. I make money at my hobbies. (not enough, but there you go). So it's not fair to say I have an empty space there.

It's just I need to let myself know it's okay to spend time, money, effort, etc. on selfish things. I have two winter coats. One is an Eddie Bauer parka that I adore, but it was a Christmas gift 9 years or so ago and too bulky for Arkansas (though I loved it in college. That campus was the coldest place I'd ever been!). The other is my sister's black pea coat -- too short for my arms and all the buttons are missing. I have several lighter jackets, including a red wool one with a broken zipper I got for free, and the only one of these I paid for, a gray Tibetan handmade coat I bought for myself in New York and it's missing a button. Today, while in Sam's Club, I kept looking at these beautiful cashmere coats -- $73. I deserve a coat. I'm 30 years old, for goddsake. It's okay to say I want a coat. But dh and I had had a money conversation and when he saw me trying them on, he sighed. "Don;t you have like 5 billion coats?" he said.

And he's right.
And it's not about the coat. It's being able to say "I want that" and to get it. Which is why I'm okay with buying vitamins and other stuff that I probably don't need, like my paraffin spa thing. It's all about me. I'm okay with that because it's health. I can make myself believe I deserve it.

Now, to buy bras that aren't frayed hand-me-downs. That's next on my list. I'm tired of my tits hanging around my waist. :)
For that matter, I think I might even delve into the art of makeup. I spent like 20 minutes when I was 14 wearing makeup every day and then decided it wasn't for me. It's part of the evil patriarchy. blah blah blah. I know. I know.

But, you can get away with wearing a baseball hat everyday and an old Pink Floyd shirt when you're 120 lbs and 20 years old. I'm almost 30 and I don't want to look dowdy. I'm tired of looking and feeling old. I know dh will be concerned about this new trend, that will last all of a day or so, but I want to feel pretty, dammit.

Really, though, makeup, a new coat, etc. are all just half assed attempts to see if something takes hold with me, to see if there is something I want to do.
dianadragonfly: (Default)
I bought a good book about sleep disorders and narcolepsy.
I want to stay up and read it.

Things are ... weird... I feel... strange, I guess...

I told my doc about not doing things for me. Today, I did get my acrylics taken off and my nails painted -- that counts, right? But I searched the outlet store for things for my sister and for the kid I work with. Then, Toys R Us, where I looked for stuff for work, but didn't buy anything, because I feel there is something pathological about all the shit I buy for work. So then to Lewis and Clark, where I bought my sister the shoes she wants for Christmas. Then to Barnes and Noble (locals will notice I got the order of the stores switched, but oh well) where I bought my sister a guide book she wanted and wandered the store, depressed. I didn't want anything for me. Anything for me would be accompanied by extreme guilt. I bought a book about my sleep disorders, but that was it. I couldn't even look at anything else. I didn't use my gift card because I consider that something that I'll use for fun someday, not on a guidebook for my sister in Korea.

I need new clothes. I need good shoes. I looked at the coats and I wanted to buy a "Life is good" Tshirt, but it was $25.
I looked at the Rent Soundtrack.
I looked more closely at bike shoes for S.

What is wrong with me? Why is it okay to spend $65 on my sister but not $24 on me? In the back of my head, I'm going "You spend money on your nails -- that's all you get."

Unrelated stuff:
the more I read about narcolepsy, the more I wonder whether my diagnosis was accurate. I have sleep paralysis sometimes, but not the "super scary, I think I'm going to die sleep paralysis and hallucinations". (alien-abductees are probably narcoleptics. I suspect my sister of having either narcolepsy or medication induced sleep paralysis and hallucinations).

I have episodes of cataplexy when I'm in pain or hot. but they good just be garden-variety fainting. But then again, cataplexy doesn't have to be hitting the floor It can simply be muscle weakness brought on by sudden emotion, which happens to me alot.

Most concerning is that I didn't go into REM sleep during my multiple sleep latency test, and my overnight test showed a little decreased REM sleep, but not disordered REM (i.e. I went into NREm first) I failed the sleep latency test with flying colors, but all that proves is that I am hypersomniac. Or really fucking tired all the time.

There are implications of either diagnosis. Without the narcolepsy diagnosis, I can't get my meds.
With the narcolepsy diagnosis, I could lose my ability to drive. I don't want that. Especially since not all narcoleptics suffer sleep attacks, the complete loss of consciousness. I don't. I fight my sleep attacks well and it was only in the last stages of the "something's wrong with me" that I felt last summer and spring did I start to have driving episodes. Compare that to a bunch of students doing a all-night drive to New Orleans. *sigh*

I need to research and see what Arkansas does to narcoleptics behind the wheel. I am keeping this diagnosis quiet because it really could get me fired from my care giving jobs. If I EVER thought I was a danger to my kiddos, I would stop when I'm doing. But I'm hyper alert when I'm driving with a kid.

Anyway, why am I typing? I need to go to bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dianadragonfly: (Default)
I've sort of hit a breakthrough in how I deal with my scheduling. [livejournal.com profile] this entry sort of explains it, but it's not just be organized and Day-Timer perfect. It's about having some sort of life where I can be busy, work toward my goals, and not hate myself when my health gets in the way.

Here's the link to the article:

Time Management for Those with Disabling Conditions

I think the movie "I Remember Me" also helped as well, in some bizarre way.

I'm not just lazy and un-organized. I don't have to spend so much time hating myself that I can't get work done. I don't have to cancel all of my jobs and let down all of my families so that I can manage my health. If I really and truly thought I would be better by canceling my jobs, I would.

Anyway, there's a certain peace and well-being that's hit me. I don't have to do what I'm not capable of. I can't hide behind the health excuse when it comes to what I can do. And to know the difference...?

To know the difference, I need to pick at least a few high priority things to get done each day. The first will be something for my school (writing) or my class. The second will be for my job(either paperwork, research, making pecs, etc. Discovery Toys counts here). Third house. (medical, financial, car etc. paperwork, bill paying,all counts too). No freaking out and trying to clean the house when I should be grading. No doing work stuff when I should be writing. I will do one of each, at least a good hour or two of clear effort on one of each, and then I will refuse any guilt for what is not done.

I'm sick, dammit, but I want a life too.

Right now, I stay awake late with frantic, guilt induced energy, knowing it's too late to do anything big, but what if I do one more thing? Like now. It's 11:39 and I just cleaned out the cat litter. I really want to clean up my office a little bit, but that's a three hour task. I need to get my papers graded, as always.

It's okay.
Tomorrow's priorities:
Organize and grade some papers (school)
Paperwork for UCP (work)
finish filling out my medical reimbursement paperwork/ call my doctor to get his part of it (domestic)

If time:
laundry (at least one load)
write more on my book (it's going along great!)

This could happen.
It really could.
In bed, by midnight, watching the Daily Show.
dianadragonfly: (Default)
An hour and half on my cell phone to the mom of the girl that I quit.
She alternately ranted, raved, and cried.

Do you see why I feel pressure here?
I told my counselor (not that I ever actually see my counselor, but anyway...) that I find it hard to set limits with this family. He asked why. I was thinking that as I watched all the employees turn the lights off in Sam's Club, since I missed going in there because I was listening to her cry on the phone. I can tell you why. They make it so personal. It's like breaking up. And I haven't even told the girl.

Plus, there's a selfishness -- look what you, you selfish person, are doing to US.
I get tired of being told that I'm part of a systenm that's hurting them. I am trying, but I can't do it all...


I promised I do alot and try to stay in the girl's life.

Now I might be on for just as much work, but with no pay.
I love this girl, but the family can't lean on me so much.


Oct. 2nd, 2005 10:08 pm
dianadragonfly: (Default)
My sad, selfinvolved selfish rant.
Read more... )


Sep. 22nd, 2005 01:45 am
dianadragonfly: (Default)
Usually I'm a sucker for navel grazing. I expose my weaknesses, mull over them, throw myself little friggin pity parties, analyze them, talk about the ad nasuem.

But my procrastination problem has gotten so bad and so embarassing that I don't even want to think about it. I am in denial. I wanna stick my head in the sand and not stress about "what's wrong with me" and "why do I do this?" I don't care.

I'm tired of failing.
But I can't make myself NOT fail. I don't learn. I don't ever fucking learn. It's always midnight, or one, or two, and I'm always stuck here with a pile of papers that I can't NOT grade because it's the very last day before their next ones are due and I've painted myself into a corner by announcing "I have them, really, they're just in the car today." or "come by at 11 and they'll be ready." I don't learn. I don't learn.

Okay... I am being harsh. I'm still recovering. I need to remember that.

But still --- I've been here on and off for like 12 hours and gotten maybe 5 papers done. The rest of the time I've been playing on ebay, watching Rita updates, being a fuck up, wasting my alertness.

I go to my counselor tomorrow and ask him how he deals with people who for some reason or another, will not change, even though it's miserable? I need to change. And I don't.


dianadragonfly: (Default)

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