dianadragonfly: (Default)
Thanks so much for the Ryche essay comments.
It means so much that you would wade through 40000 pages of my shit.

[livejournal.com profile] musewithamagnum, I miss the hell out of you too.

Today, I was listening to "Chasing Blue Sky" and I heard the perfect line to describe this whole thing --
"You're the rose colored glass I see through"

So, of course, I had to add that.
And I edited the end. The quote at the end from Mindcrime II still doesn't flow as well I would have liked. Anyway, please let me know if you think I should send this to him, or if it would be sort of a desperate fan girl act.
new section and edit )

Long essay

Oct. 18th, 2006 02:24 pm
dianadragonfly: (Default)
So, this is the essay I started in Seattle.
I wanted to explain the watcher concept. It just went from there.

Notice that I left out anything really to do with women in my life. It ended up being focused on my relationships with men.

Read more... )
dianadragonfly: (Default)
I'm in bed, comfy, my laptop on a TV tray. According to experts, this is BAD SLEEP HYGIENE (tm) but you know, it helps me unwind.

I have been thinking about Watchers, especially since my counselor is leaving and I have to start over with someone new. Again. I really think I've made lots of progress with Dr. H and I'm sad to see him go. He's managed to hit on some issues that I was really unaware of...

Anyway, I told him about the watcher idea and how I knew it was unhealthy.
He told me about a Native American (I forget which tribe) concept of "borrowing medicine." If someone in the tribe was about to do a task they were unsure of, they might channel the ability and spirit of another member of the tribe who excelled at that task. It's part of being inner-connected, which Americans tend to shy away from.

My personal variation on that, performing in a way that matches how I want to be seen through the eyes of a watcher, isn't necessarily a bad thing, he says. I think of how it made B. a concept and not a person but Dr. H wasn't really concerned with that. I knew he was more, right?

It's a neat metaphor. I remember my hapkido instructor saying that he would borrow our energy when he went up for master status. I had no doubt that he could channel energy -- there are some people that are magic in a way that defies explaination and he was one of them. I could feel his help sometimes, even when I was terrified. I remember when I had to spar with him and how I ended up across the room every time I tried to land a punch, but with no pain -- it's like he shoved me there with energy alone and not by kicking or hitting.

Anyway, I feel like suddenly someone has given me permission to enjoy the fact that I channel and that I perform for my Watchers... even if they are imaginary. The idea of borrowing someone's medicine is comforting and friendly and doesn't seem as weak and co-dependant as other metaphors. He said that others are probably channeling me right now, imagining how I'd handle a situation or how I'd write something, and taking a course of action based on that.

I'm at peace with that.

This guy is good... I'm sorry to lose him. I feel like he has a way to see through what I think my issues are and get at the real issues that I've kept hidden from myself. I think I'm lazy, I think I can't time manage, he points out that it's because I give too much time to others and don't think that I'm important enough to devote time to. I always thought it was an avoidance/fear of failure thing, but I see the whole issue so much more clearly now. The fact that I got grading done with minimal self-hate illustrates that. I also was able to look at my schedule, see exactly what needed to happen to get my grading done, and say "no" to everything else. That's pretty cool. I hope the next person I go with is half as insightful as Dr. H.

Although, when I first started seeing him in June, he said he was a big believer in short term therapy -- 10 sessions or so. He didn't mention that after a session or two with me. That makes me wonder how fucked up I am. :) It makes me sigh to think I gotta start over with someone. I feel pretty psychologically healthy, no more or less messed up than the average person. But I also think that being in counseling helps with that. I might be one of these people that see a counselor their whole lives. Counseling junkie, I call it. But, well, notice that aside from a few rants and getting PMSy with the hubby, I'm 100% better than I was this time last year.

the rug

Feb. 2nd, 2006 10:31 pm
dianadragonfly: (Default)
I need to be productive...
I need to ..
I need to...

So much I want to say and sometimes I feel like it won't come. The difference between being depressed before the zoloft and after was before was a frantic depression/mania that made me want to get things OUT -- however I could. It was active, it was pacing, it was biting my arm in frustration, it was panic attacks on the airplane and after seeing GT in Starbucks.

This, though, is different. If you drew a thought balloon over my head, it would be empty. I want to ... want to write, want to do anything and I keep thinking I'll type myself into it.

I have my obsessions because they are nice warm comfortable places. I have my Watchers. I have my characters that appear in and out of short stories. I have my kids to think about and muse about and to print off communication cards and picture schedules for. I have my writing and my research for my writing, when suddenly, something clicks. I have my comfortable places inside my head, whether they are inhabited by Queensryche or other fandom or some project or lj friends.

Tonight, though, they are just failing and things are just blank.

I'm tired.
I forgot my predisone so I've probably shocked my kidneys into failure. The only thing I've eaten today is a Wendy's out of a bag as I sped toward school, late. I had 2 Dr Peppers. I had a bag of candy. No wonder I feel like this.

I'm just searching for that comfortable place in my head and I cant get there. My Ryche obsession seems silly and childish. Research -- unproductive way of wasting time. Cleaning -- do I really think I can even make a dent? What I usually do when I feel like this, losing myself in some stupid TV show, seems unbearable. Yesterday I napped while A&E played that Flight 93 movie and I had terrible dreams about being interviewed because I put someone on that flight and said bye to them and I didn't know who I left. Then I was in the front seat and got my throat slit.
Then, after shaking it all off, being up for a few hours, I went to bed and that shit was on AGAIN! And I watched it this time.

I watch TV NOT to feel. A manipulative made-for-TV drama about the last hours of some people's lives isn't fair to spring on me, bastards. I kept thinking of what my phone call from the plane would be.

Is that what's behind this? That movie? It is February, after all. I heard "Wish You Were Here" on my drive home. I was really into Floyd when all that happened...
How I wish
How I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
year after year.
Running over the same old ground.
And how we've found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Same old ground.... ten years ago, I was listening to that same song, trying to figure out how grief can be so impersonal -- how it's not about him anymore, but about my loss and this sort of void that sometimes, especially in February, creeps in and makes all of my comfortable spaces, well, uncomfortable. That's what I don't understand and that's what seems so selfish... how it's not about HIM, or even ME, or anything else, but just this shadow.

[livejournal.com profile] paperflowers and I once talked about the hole in the middle of the floor that is deep, "this might break me" grief and how, having fallen in it once, we do whatever we can to avoid it. There's a rug over my hole in the ground and most of the time, I walk around it. But in February, the corner of the rug gets kicked around a little and I have to be careful not to trip.

She says that for her, just knowing the hole is there is enough and the awareness of it bugs her. I can see that, see how the carpet over it, the wallpaper, the couch, people talking and acting like it's not there, can just seem like a terrible lie. I used to feel like that.

But most of the time, I'm okay with the rug there. I can accept that it covers something horrible and still appreciate the beauty of the room.

Except for days like today, usually in February, when it's easy to trip over the corner, pull back a little bit of carpet, and see just a shadow of what I know is there.
dianadragonfly: (Tri-Ryche from www.minclot.com)
Dear God, sometimes I love the internet, although I know illegal song leaks are very bad things (tm)

Still... it was like getting a postcard from an old friend.

And it's the watcher concept, in song! yay Geoff! I just need to figure out how to capture it before it goes away!

In more-legal news concerning the band, I've started a livejournal for our street team. [livejournal.com profile] vulturechick, I stole your name. So sorry. But it was too fucking cool to waste and you know I'll share any goodies with you. [livejournal.com profile] anarkansas_x. Street teams are people that promote the album in their area and submit a journal and pictures of them doing it in order to win some QR merchandise. I don't think we'll win but it'll be fun. I haven't really designed the community very well at all, but I thought it might be fun to have it online.

Anyway... check it out Ryche fans. And help with formatting appreciated.
dianadragonfly: (Default)
I have a student that looks just like Billy Boyd. I was actually surprised when he wasn't speaking with a scottish accent. Considering my Billy Boyd thing that lasted for quite awhile, this could be baaaaaaddddddd.........muwahahahahha

On the same subject, but seriously...Read more... )
dianadragonfly: (Default)
I had what I'll call a real "breakthrough" with my counselor today. I minimize going to a counselor, say it's really not needed. But it is.

I told him how disturbed I was that Amy asked if I do anything for me. The time I spend thinking up things to do with my kids, I think that's for me because it makes ME happy, not them directly. And it occupies that creative part of my brain. I enjoy it and I consider it the beginnings of a professional practice. So I bought a bean bag? Oh well. I didn't buy it FOR this kid, I bought it for me and my future practice to use WITH this kid. Big difference.

he pointed out that that's not so different from when my identity was "smart kid." I've let that go here. I'm not all out to prove my intelligence like I was as an undergrad, because, honestly, there was a lot of approval seeking in that, mostly from older, male professors.

But my dwelling on a detail of work is still a part of identity. If I'm not "smart" then I'm "helpful." It's simply trading one thing for another.

What do I like to do that's pure pleasure?
Queensryche? Or does it appeal to my "smart kid" identity to sit and pick apart lyrics? Dammit... why can't I like a dumb band? Where is Def Lep when you need them?
(okay, Def Lep has a musical intelligence - just really, lyrically....um..... yeah.... "you got the peaches, I got the cream?' good god. Was I on CRACK? Still, Joe Elliot makes me swoon.)
There are some movies I enjoy. My LOTR fangirliness -- the big ass crush I had on certain hobbits -- that was pure me and pure enjoyment.
Wedding was cool.
A party for ME. Not cause I'm smart or helpful. Cause I'm me and he's him and we deserve a party.

But other than that, you know, there's not a lot that I do that's not sort of functional, serving a public identity.

This works for me because I get to blend the private with the more approval-seeking public. It's the watcher theory. I need to kill my watchers but I can't.

(not literally. Don't worry, friends list. I'm not coming after you.)

dianadragonfly: (Default)
When I'm not writing in my journal, it's usually a sign that I'm stressed and miserable.

I can't report on it... I don't want my "watchers" around. This is sort of new for me. I've sort of been playing to the watchers whenever something bad is happening. To internalize it is new.

Nothing bad is happening. I'm emotional and achy. I really need more methotrexate. 5 a week doesn't cut it. And I swear the provigil makes me have more body aches. Is that possible? I used to think it was just that I did more with the provigil, but no, I think it makes me ache more.

The first batch of invites went out. I'm stressed and broke. What else is new?

Email me at lesleydianet at my gmail account if you want an invite. :)

Got to get to work now. Will write later.


dianadragonfly: (Default)

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